PRISON OF UNFORGIVENESS
[5-minute read]
We often think that self-care is about how well we guard ourselves against hurt, but it is really about how well we guard our hearts against unforgiveness. Because let’s face it, people hurt people. The world is full of dysfunctional people in families and organisations whose action or lack of action cause injury and injustice to others. It hurts deeply when our well-being and safety are dismissed and minimised by others, and we are expected to go on as though everything is fine.
In 2 Samuel 13-18, we see a series of dark events that happened in King David’s family, involving two of his sons (Amnon and Absalom), his daughter (Tamar) and a riveting story of misplaced passion, incest, rape, rage, resentment, revenge, murder, running away, and revolt.
Absalom stood out in the story not because he committed the heinous rape but because he could not let go of the spirit of unforgiveness towards Amnon who cold-heartedly violated his step sister, Tamar. Driven by a deep-seated anguish for what his sister suffered, he took matters into his own hands to set things right in very wrong ways. In the process, he failed to see that the father he plotted to overthrow had always loved him (2 Samuel 14:1, 18:5). Eventually, Absalom died a gruesome death (2 Samuel 18:9, 18:14).
What do we do when the memory of a hurtful episode in the past continues to haunt us, evoking raw emotions as though they happened only yesterday? If we continue to build walls to protect ourselves from institutions and people who have hurt us, we will never truly experience God’s healing and freedom for the wounding that happened long ago.
John 8:36 reminds us, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
Here’s what we can do to break out of the imprisonment of unforgiveness:
RELEASE FORGIVENESS
When we are deeply wounded, it can feel as though letting go of the past is to let someone off the hook. Whether it is the result of a criminal act, a moral failure, or a character flaw, we can get a false sense of power in withholding forgiveness towards those who have hurt us. We may have many questions but no answer that satisfies. We may stop praying to avoid retriggering painful emotions. When God does not intervene in the way we expect Him to, He seems distant, silent and uninvolved; adding another layer of hurt. While we put up an appearance of normalcy in our daily life and within Christian circles, we act in highly guarded ways, and like Absalom, carefully avoiding the offending parties – neither saying anything good or bad to them - in all our interactions. (2 Samuel 13:2).
However, we must be careful not to allow what happened to us define who God is to us. God is still God. When we release forgiveness to the offending party before God, we can be sure to find a loving Father on our side who does not hurt or disappoint us like people do (Psalm 103:8-12). We may feel helpless and vulnerable but we can trust that God is close to us in the place of surrender.
To be sure, forgiveness is not a feeling or a reward; it is a gift we give ourselves. We can trust that God will do something beautiful in our lives when we release forgiveness.
REACH OUT TO GOD
Reaching out to God may seem counter-intuitive when we are wounded. But there is no one who knows better about human injustice and rejection than Jesus Himself. There is no one, besides God, who can touch our hearts with His comfort, replace conflict in our minds with clarity, and calm our tormented souls with His compassion.
Reaching out to God also means consciously replacing mental replays of hurtful incidents with thoughts of God in our mind. This is an act of obedience (2 Corinthians 10:5).
You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek You; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63:1, 63:6-8)
Finding hope in who God is to us is a powerful counterforce against feelings of helplessness. God cares about beaten souls and broken hearts. Our soul care lies in honest and truthful prayers that put our vulnerability in His hands: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:11).
RISE UP AND MOVE ON
In biblical accounts of Jesus healing people, we often find Him telling them to get up (John 5:8, Luke 5:24, Mark 5:41). When the Lord restored people’s lives, He needed them to move on from the place of inhibition to action. When God heals us and frees us from our inability to forgive, He restores meaning and purpose into our lives. We cannot continue to muck around but move on.
Forgiveness is like removing a heavy stone tied to our feet while we try to swim to the surface of deep waters. It frees us to move on with God.
Joy Tan-Chi was raped by 7 intruders at the innocent age of fifteen; ironically, in the safety of her own home. Her painful ordeal is heart-breaking for any parent but she fought back the atrocity she suffered that one fateful day in her life with a lifetime mission of reaching out to those who have endured rape and abuse. Joy was able to do this because she first decided to forgive her attackers.
The prison of unforgiveness is a painful place. It is pointless to act as though we are over it when we are still trapped in the grip of unforgiveness; notably, by downgrading the person or downplaying the relationship. It is time to find the resolve to release forgiveness, reach out to God and rise up to move on.
This is a summary and reflection based on a virtual BIR Session held on 19 August 2023.
